So it’s been over two months since I went veg. I sailed through the first 4 weeks. By week 5, I wasn’t feeling super great, but didn’t connect it to my diet. By week 6, I was noticing I really wasn’t feeling very good. Mostly I felt run down, and I wasn’t sleeping well. In week 7, I began not sleeping well on a regular basis, and waking up in the middle of every night, with my heart pounding and racing. I thought I was having panic attacks, and sometimes the episodes would kick off an attack, but often I woke up with no anxiety at all.
This has been going on for the last couple weeks, and let me tell you, I am EXHAUSTED. I got really sick a few days ago, and Greg and I are both convinced it’s because I haven’t been getting any sleep.
I reached my two month vegetarian anniversary (monthiversary?) feeling impressed with myself for having come this far so easily, but forced to admit I felt like, well, crap.
So then I ate some meat.
Jason was making some pasta with beef, and it smelled awful. I’ve noticed this lately, that meat smells really bad to me. Repellent. But here he was, asking me to taste some pasta and telling me, “I made a non-meat version for you to try,” and out of my mouth come the words, “Just give me a bit of what you have.” So he gives me a dubious look, and hands me the fork. And I ate a bite. And it tasted both wrong, and OH SO RIGHT. So then I ate the entire bowl.
And then I found out it was lamb. LAMB, PEOPLE. Not beef, not a cow, but a lamb. A LAMB. I REALLY CANNOT EXPRESS THE ANGST HERE.
Jason felt bad, because I know he doesn’t eat beef, so what did I think he was eating? And he was right, he’s never eaten beef, I should have known any ground “beef” he was making would be something else, but I just didn’t get it. So then I felt like crying, both because I’d just eaten a baby animal ground to bits, and because I felt, okay let’s just admit it: so….much…..better. I really did. Suddenly it was like my head just cleared, mental fog gone.
And then I went to bed, and I slept better than I had in two weeks.
So then I ate some more meat.
The next day, I woke up, and I still felt awful. The book I’d read, Eating Animals, was coming back to me, all the images of the factory farms. I felt sick. But I didn’t want another day trying to stuff myself full of beans (see below), and I was really curious to see what would happen if I ate some more meat. So I did. I had both chicken AND eggs, devouring the whole question entirely.
That night, I slept through the night, like a rock.
So now I don’t know what to do.
I’m in a quandary at this point, and quite honestly very close to giving up this blog completely, because writhing around in this fashion is bad enough, but doing it publicly is doubly painful. I’ve spend the last 20 years of my life, since I was 15 years old, pining to be a vegan. I’ve tried so many times, and failed so many times, and I really thought this was it, I was on my way. TWO MONTHS! That’s so long for me! I’ve never gone two months with any eating plan, let alone one that asked me to give up bacon.
The real pain in the ass is that I didn’t just manage it, it was easy, and you know why? Because of that whole internal shift, where I realized how I just had to move forward and live my values, that I didn’t want to keeping living as if everything that came out of (and went into) my mouth didn’t matter.
And that shift? That one that made being a vegetarian so easy? Well it stinks. Because it hasn’t gone anywhere, and now I feel horrible about having eaten chicken, and the lamb, and yet at the same time, it’s so nice to sleep! It’s so nice to be able to think during the day! It’s so nice to have energy!
So what am I supposed to do here? I’ve spent the last year and a half writing a blog about becoming vegan, and after a year and a half it actually looked like I was finally going to get somewhere, and now, well…….
I know it has to do with protein.
I’m pretty sure that a big problem with all this is protein. I know, I know, a lot of you vegans out there are rolling your eyes, but bear with me. The protein in vegetables is quite small, and you need to eat a LOT of them to reach the protein needs of moi. How do I put this lightly? HAHA? I am heavy. I am not petite. Even when I was a “normal” weight for my height, I was so rock-solid heavy that buff dudes would try to pick me up and then DROP ME. I’ve heard a lot of rock jokes, jokes about my density, etc. Despite my many prayers to God, I am not a hollow-boned waif. I have bulk.
To even start to meet my protein needs, I need about 4 cups of cooked beans a day, which is fine, except I don’t feel very good when I eat 4 cups of beans a day. It’s not farting – that trick about draining the soak water really does work. It’s just a feeling of being run down, incomplete, tired.
Tofu makes me feel worse. Remember that tofu dish I made? I had cramps after that for two hours. Tempeh did the same thing. Something in processed soy really makes me sick. I can have a little miso soup and feel fine, but that’s about it. The only thing with soy that I really seem to tolerate well is whatever they put in Spirutein shakes.
So I’ve been living on beans and Spirutein shakes, mixed veggies, green smoothies, soups, and as many whole-grains as I can find. This sounds like a pretty healthy diet, doesn’t it? I thought so. Overall I thought I was doing pretty well, leagues better than the old days when I’d stop eating meat, eat cheese pizza every day, and call myself a healthy vegetarian.
In the last few days, I’ve been doing all the above except taking away the beans and adding in 4-5 ounces of lean meat. The difference is incredible. Ethically, I feel pretty awful. Physically, I feel about a hundred times better.
SO WHAT NOW?
I’ve no idea. I really don’t know if I want to keep writing. It feels like I’m giving my audience whiplash, and frankly it’s become such a deeply personal issue that I don’t know if I feel comfortable letting people keep watching whatever transition period I seem to be in. It’s something I need to think about.
I can tell you what I’m doing now:
That’s it, at this point.
