Hey folks,

As many of you know, I’m a guest blogger at the Against the Wind Blog, run by the Dick Beardsley Foundation and in support of the Virtual 5k Race the Foundation puts on every year. This is my latest post. You can read it at their website directly, or here:

I wish I had progress to report, but this the lazy reality: I spent most of Christmas break fighting stress and avoiding exercise of any sort. I ran exactly twice, which I fully admit is pitiful by nearly any standard. By way of explanation, I want to talk about something that I didn’t mention in my last post.

I have panic disorder, which is a type of anxiety disorder characterized by panic attacks.

Panic attacks are, in a nutshell, a collection of terrifying physical and mental sensations that can hit a person in a series of intense waves, often suddenly and without warning, but also often triggered by certain things. I’ve been waffling about whether to bring this up in the guest blog, but the fact is, this information is already in my regular blog, and it has a large and important impact on my exercise and fitness program. If I didn’t talk about it, you’d be only be getting half the story.

The attacks that affect me began after the birth of my son in 2002, a birth that was so harrowing I was diagnosed with PTSD afterward, or post-traumatic stress disorder. A few months later I moved from periods of intense anxiety to having full-blown panic attacks, although it would take a few months (and many trips to the ER for heart-related issues) for us to really understand what they were.

It’s nearly ten years later, and I’m still coping with them. I tend to do much better during spring and summer, when we have a lot of light (yes, even in Seattle!), but much poorer in the fall and winter. My doctor has no explanation for this save perhaps for plummeting vitamin D levels, which is why I supplement now, and that does seem to help a bit.

How does this affect running? I haven’t exercised regularly in years in large part because exercise tends to bring on attacks. When my heart gets pumping, it often starts exhibiting an erratic beat, which easily triggers an attack (I’ve done a stress test and been checked out by a cardiologist). Even when the actual running seems to go well, when I stop exercising my heart rate will stay high, and that will trigger an attack.

In books about anxiety they will often state that a panic attack “lasts approximately 5-15 minutes.” Mine regularly last 90 minutes, and sometimes longer. It’s a huge distraction from life, and even after one is over I still have to cope with the after-effects, namely exhaustion and a low-level nervousness that might have a second wave. It’s kind of like the opposite of an after-glow.

All this is to accomplish two things: one, to reach out to those of you with anxiety disorders. You aren’t alone. It’s a quiet sort of illness, isn’t it? It’s surprisingly easy to hide, and often very private, and yet terrible to cope with – and so many of us do it alone. And second, to help readers understand why I did so little these past two weeks in the way of running. Christmas was so stressful; the idea of risking an attack by getting on the treadmill felt like a truly unreasonable thing to ask of myself (and of my family, who have to fill in for me while I’m recovering from one).

But look! What do we have here? JANUARY. That’s right. January is here! A full, new month is just around the corner, and with it comes several months without a major holiday. In other words: it’s time to boogie. Or run. Heck, maybe boogie while I run.

Here’s hoping everyone had a happy holiday, however you celebrate the lovely season, and a very happy new year! A new leaf is about to turn over. I’ll catch you on the flip side!